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1. Start running 6 months earlier. I recommend the Couch To 5K program.

2. Come to the realization that you will not get much faster without quitting smoking. (Do nothing about it yet).

3. Start dating. I recommend you sign up for online dating sites. This will teach you two important lessons. The first lesson is that not many people smoke anymore. The second is that there are a lot of strange people in the world, many of them single with an internet connection.

4. Shake off the feeling that you’ll never meet anyone good. While it could be true, it won’t help the cause to get all realistic at this point. Buck up, ugly people meet people all the time.

5. Have a friend’s father recommend that you try Chantix. (This one is tough, if all your friends are stupid, I recommend you get better friends).

6. Get a script for the pills.

7. Read Alan Carr’s book.

8. Take the pills for 7 days.

9. On the 7th day, right before bed, throw away all your lighters and ash trays. Spray some febreeze around the place, it smells bad in your house. (Note, not even fabreeze will fix the funk that has accumulated as a result of dropping chicken bones between the cushions…just an FYI).

10. Stop buying and lighting cigarettes. This step is key, I tried skipping it in the past, and people get really angry when you smoke while telling them you are a non-smoker.

(This post is part parody part recap. I leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine what parts are what)